Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
