i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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