why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
