You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
