Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
