i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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