this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
