I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
