R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
