I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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