I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
