"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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