My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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