its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
