my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I am available for nakedness
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
