i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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