Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
