watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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