im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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