He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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