When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
how does that bad decision feel?
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