I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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