On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
