I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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