I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
