Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize