Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
