You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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