I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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