When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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