Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What did we do last night that was yellow?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize