forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
