I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
