I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
