I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
