im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
