I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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