Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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