i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
