Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I AM VODKA MAN
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
