my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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