All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
