Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
