I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Im part way to drunk.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
