I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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