And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
