There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
