I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Randomize