I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
