so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I have fence marks all over my body
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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