Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
