If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
