I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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